Staunchly, vol. 30: Take Showers and Have Opinions

(Originally posted: 9/1/17)

Hello staunch babes, 

Today is the 30th issue of Staunchly and she is getting some preventative Botox to stay fresh & current! JK modern beauty standards are bullshit, all you need to do to stay fresh & current is take showers and have opinions. Anyways, this is really more like a spicy chemical peel (which reminds of my facialist in college who used to give me these deliciously intense lactic acid peels which felt like she was slicing up tiny jalapenos on a cutting board made up of my epidermis and every time she was about to apply the peel she’d warn me: “It’s salsa time!”).
I’m digressing tremendously but by now you know I do that. What I’m trying to say is that:

1. Staunchly thinks you should do whatever beauty procedures make you happy. Viva les injectables.
2. Staunchly got herself a mini, non-invasive makeover! She’s been smoothed, plumped, glown up, and restructured into six new sections: Political Thot, The Little Edie (something short and sweet), The Big Edie (something long and dry), Deep Reads, Self-Care Corner, and Daily Mail Headline of the Week.
Not every section will appear every week. I have to keep you guessing. But I figured this was a helpful way to focus my thoughts around the things I care most about: politics, feminism, mental health, make-up, and the aspirational lifestyle aesthetics of Nancy Meyers movies. All packaged of course in the angst, low self-esteem, attempts at wit, and trademark DIY graphics you've come to love and expect. xo 

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While the president lacks the basic humanity and executive functioning to see a historic, devastating flood as anything more than a photo op for the debut of his new Trump Collection All-Weather Men’s Sport line or a lucky timing window to bury (not what he saysone of the worst presidential pardons in history, normal people are doing the basically decent and boldly heroic work of keeping each other afloat amid breathtaking disaster.
The flood waters' recession has revealed some irrefutable truths: many lives are ruined. Recovery will take years. Climate change is too deadly to ignore. And an unregulated, feeding frenzy-style of city planning is maybe good for business but probably definitely bad for humanity. 

Put your money where your mouth is. 


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Here is a picture of the Mexican bakers who got stranded in their bakery during the hurricane and spent the night making hundreds upon hundreds of loaves of pan dulce for Harvey victims. Their smiles will make your heart feel like caramel.


I went on a dumb Instagram rant about how dumb it is to give dumb Melania shit for her dumb stilettos. Also, I made my first true meme which is relevant to nothing except memedom and went, I think, deeply under-appreciated. 

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No new essay this week, staunch foxes. Instead, in honor of Staunchly’s dirty 30th, I thought we might revisit some of my favorite essays that I’ve sent out through Staunchly.
Ask for the Apple Juice (Staunchly, vol. 2)

Grand Slam (Staunchly, vol. 16)
My former office in the US Senate found out I was writing an essay about workplace sexism. Here’s what happened next. (Staunchly, vol. 18)
We Need to Talk About Ivanka (Staunchly, vol. 20)
Girls of the Sunken City (Staunchly, vol. 25)

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Ever since reading about Rio Viera-Newton’s perfect, obsessive skin care regimen, I’ve been slowly accumulating all the products in her arsenal. Last weekend, I acquired these lemony lactic acid peel pads and boy, are they gooood. I’ve been using them every morning post-cleansing because that is what Rio does and the changes in my skin in terms of clarity, smoothness, and dare-I-say *radiance* have been astounding (ed. note: I am easily astounded). I don’t want to be dramatic but I think these peel pads are the only thing stopping me from crumbling like Oreos in the glass of warm, rancid milk that is the month of August in the Trump Era with Mercury stationed retrograde!!!!
Yesterday I cried—CRIED—because Jon & Vinny’s screwed up their packaging and my takeout got all soaked-through and ruined. Related: Am I the weakest person you know? 

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Staunchly yours,