Staunchly, vol. 80: What To Gift a Vengeful Woman


I’ve made you wait long enough.
I now present to you the third annual Staunchly Holiday Gift Guide:
What to Get Every Woman On Your List Based on Her Favorite Piece of Feminist Revenge Art
Here are the 11 pieces of art I chose. Find your favorite or peruse at your leisure. Enjoy.
Legally Blonde
Judith Slaying Holofernes by Artemisia Gentileschi
- The music video for “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson
- “Cell Block Tango” from Chicago
9 to 5
- “Goodbye, Earl” by the Dixie Chicks
- The Greek goddess Nemesis luring Narcissus to his death 
- “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon
First Wives Club
- Fatal Attraction (or anything in the Glenn Close cannon)
- Justin Timberlake’s 2018 Super Bowl Halftime Show
Happy Holidays from all your friends* at Staunchly.
(*it’s obviously just me) 

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There’s a solid case to be made that the best revenge is getting into your ex-boyfriend’s law school, out-performing the jerk who dumped you at every turn, and winning a landmark criminal case based on your understanding of endorphins and/or perm maintenance, all while maintaining impeccable grooming habits, avoiding half-loop top stitching on low-viscosity rayon, and understanding that the Jackie/Marilyn dichotomy is merely a midcentury modern rip-off of the Madonna/Whore complex, i.e. a misogynist creation to blur feminine nuance into two bite-size, mutually-exclusive categories that literally mean nothing. Here’s what to get the fashion plate whose idea of revenge involves a Harvard law degree and a great blowout. 


1. A Susan Alexandra beaded handbag for her lip gloss, palm pilot, and pocket Constitution - $295 
2. This season’s Prada shoes, soon-to-be last season’s Prada shoes (for stomping) - $1100 (lol I know. buckle in)
3. A team jersey - $55
4. A faux fur coat for Gemini vegetarians (among others). Perfect for court. - $260
5. Slingbacks with a statement poof (also perfect for court) - $397.50
6. An RBG action figure - $20
7. An “I Grew Up In Bel Air, Warner” scoop vase -  $148.20
8. An everlasting matte lip stain - $26
9. A set of six Smythson notebooks in bright, satisfying colors - $365 
10. A custom initial necklace that is both inherently extra and reminiscent of the Law and Order titles font - $1618
11. Statement pencils - $10

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This iconic event in the Book of Judith tells the story of an eponymous widow who saves her home city of Bethulia by incapacitating and beheading an invading general. The act and its aftermath (a woman, always miraculously poised, gripping a severed head) have been painted countless times by the likes of CaravaggioKlimt, and more recently Kehinde Wiley. We shall focus here on the version by Artemisia Gentileschi, the 17th century Italian painter who channeled the rage and terror of her own rape into profound commentary on female oppression. Here are some luxe Euro picks for the Baroque Bish in your life. 


1. An essential Aquis rapid dry towel for that flowing late-Renaissance hair - $35
2. Scented matches from a company that’s been making candles since the 1600s - $15
3. My favorite lip and cheek stain - $28
4. A John Derian decoupage tray of blue paint tones- $295
5. One of my favorite candles—smells like an old, well-preserved church - $72
6. A dream set of Laboratorio Paravicini dinner plates - $290
7. The prettiest Italian soap - $32
8. A brass snake sculpture. Reclaim sexist biblical totems! - $198
9. A stunning botanical print, from a design originally commissioned in the 1500s -  $1438 (a bargain! lol I'm a monster)

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I have a friend who nabbed the second set of keys to her high school boyfriend’s car after he cheated on her with a freshman. When he was in class, she’d turn his petit SUV around in the parking lot or move it a couple spaces over or fill it to the brim with found objects like fallen palm fronds and safety cones. This is the level we should all strive to be at 24/7, executing perfect psychological torture on the men who have wronged us. It’s the calmer, more deliberate version of Kelly trashing her ex-boyfriend’s apartment in the “Since U Been Gone” video. Here’s what to get the girl who is going to fuck up his shit.


1. A lighter for burning it all down - $20
2.  My favorite type of men is ramen shirt - $22
3. A Prada fanny pack for easy access to supplies while they vandalize - $670
4. A good muscle soak because tearing up his place will take a toll on her tendons- $35
5. A Nancy Drew gift set for your favorite snoop - $125
6. CBD body lotion because, again, the tendons - $60
7. A gift certificate for a Heyday facial because wow, a bad man really will f*ck up your pores - $114 for 50 minutes
8. A topical 2018 illustrated activity book to affirm her suspicions that most dudes were trash this year/forever - $18


The official Staunchly position is that you should not shoot your husband if he pops his gum…that is...the…official…Staunchly…position. End sentence. New paragraph.
Anyways. Here are some twisted picks for the dark and salty broad in your life who will screw the milkman if she damn well chooses.

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 1. A black marble platter that’s perhaps a bit more “preparing a nice gouda flight” than “carving up the chicken for dinner” - $75
2. A phone case for the broad who can hold her arsenic - $38
3. A multi-purpose necklace for the fallen woman - $149
4. Lindsay Lohan Mugshot Coasters - $18
5. A killer red lip stain - $24
6. Chic gloves that won’t leave behind any fingerprints - $630
7. Satan is a Woman socks - $12
8. A jazzy little marabou robe for fun silly times on the lam - $510
9. Snakeskin shoes with a practical heel for running from the scene of a crime - $395
10. A faux-leather mini skirt for every dangerous woman - $69.99

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What’s the best way to slay a sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot? Mob justice? Hogtie? Rat poison? The options are endless. This season, honor your favorite lady’s affection for the high jinks, pot parties, and creative problem-solving of Violet, Doralee, and Judy with some chic and subversive office supplies. Here are some workplace essentials for the modern, fed-up woman.


1. Corporate Woman tee (business casual) - $45
2. Finance dad hat. Capitalism is a scam, but get your cheddar. - $48
3. Hair clips to express herself when she's at work and can’t pop a Klonopin and the boss she thought was dead shows up at the office.
4. A cool Japanese 9 to 5 movie poster to decorate her cell - $35
5. A Venus symbol pipe for an old fashioned ladies pot party - $70
6. Careers (for Girls!): the Board Game - $21
7. A Poketo Project Planner (I have this in blue and I love it) - $38
8. A dancing Elaine notebook - $14.99
9. A sensible day heel in a dozen colors - $150
10. A mug to scare the men away - $23
11. Nesting dolls honoring another classic workplace comedy—a must! - $200

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Have an Artisanal Annie in your life? Someone who loves Tennessee ham and strawberry jam and frontier justice? Here are some pseudo-rustic selects for the cowgirl who always knows where to bury a body


1. A Ganni fringed white leather jacket for How the West Was Fun realness - $634
2. A bandana-print blouse to complete the look - $425
3. An equestrian-print waist-tie blouse if you think she’ll want options - $171
4. A hand soap that smells like the woods she buried her husband in - $37
5. A scrunchie to take her from the hoedown to the boardroom - $15
6. Cast-iron conditioner for the woman who knows to condition her cast-iron - $18
7. A sweet little lined creamer - $12
8. A plaid throw - $129
9. Cotton napkins in Carolina blue - $62
10. A painted herb platter - $62
11. A portable barbecue - $280
12. A gingham denim apron - $98
13. A woven tote for her farm stand - $175
14. Vegan caramel for the country girl with a sweet tooth and a lactose intolerance - $20


Nemesis, winged balancer of life, dark-faced goddess, daughter of Justice

– “Hymn to Nemesis” by Mesomedes of Crete


To quote Edith Hamilton, Nemesis is the goddess of “righteous anger” in Greek mythology. She exacts retribution on arrogant, messy men who have shown hubris before the gods. In Ovid’s Metamorphoses, she lures Narcissus (hunter; patron saint of all fuckbois) to a clear pool after he spurns Echo, a sweet nymph just trying to smash. Stopping for a drink, he falls madly, inescapably in love with his own reflection. His self-obsession ignites an internal fire that literally melts him from the inside-out. Lol! Here’s what to get the classics cutie in your life.
1. A cool handmade snake plate that idk, reminds me of antiquities - $42
2. Bright, beautifully packaged olive oil - $37
3. My go-to dry skin cure - $88
4. Tinted face oil for a Grecian glow - $42
5. A first edition of Edith Hamilton’s classic on Greek culture – prices vary
6. Blue marbled earrings like the Aegean Sea - $175
7. Stoneware bookends to organize her Plato or her sheet masks (or both!) - $198
8. A smol woven handbag - $276
9. Perfect leather sandals - $590
10. A velvet shell pillow - $160

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The original “thank u, next” (both tellingly written by Cancers, who only know how to come for blood in song). Of course, instead of one taught me love/patience/pain, it’s I learned nothing from you but maybe you learned not to mess with a power-jawed woman who can tickle the ivories. Here’s what to get the natural ’70s babe who holds a grudge and excels at the subtweet.


1. An easy cashmere crew - $100
2. A nourishing cheek and lip tint - $26.50
3. A desert island face oil that does so much on its own it’ll make her feel low-maintenance - $110
4. A thick face salve that works miracles - $19
5. A seventies-seeming shag pillow - $99
6. A botanical facial steam for dry days on Martha’s Vineyard - $28
7. An elegant but streamlined jug in a striking color- $64
8. And vase - $51
9. And bowl  - $51
10. A Georgia O’Keeffe framed tulip print -  $300
11. Rosewater, because hydration is not vanity - $8.39
12. Clogs! - $270

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Beat Meryl at gift-giving this year. Take a break from trying to frame your ex-husband for white-collar crime and treat the most special women in your life to presents they’ll cherish forever. In the spirit of true sisterhood, here are some fantasy gifts that say, “I have a dynamite alimony.”


1. Tbh nothing says “money” like a Scalamandre tiger print pillow - $249
2. A vanity mirror to admire her youth and beauty - $250
3. A bedside carafe to make sure the Trazodone goes down smoothly - $210
4. 24kt gold rolling papers (definitely the most despicable thing on this list) - $55
5. Collagen powder you can add to anything - $25
6. A pink marble cutting board - $145
7. A powerful white suit. Not to be confused with a white power suit. Trousers - $709.  Jacket - $921
8. A mini fridge to keep serums cool and effectively de-puffing - $44.99
9. The Rolls-Royce of lipstick - $57
10. A Barbara Sturm luxe skincare advent calendar, featuring a full-size of her classic hyaluronic serum and 23 other deluxe minis and masks - $600
11. Oh, just a casual pink velvet Milo Baughman sofa - $4500
12. Dreamy pink lucite earrings - $125
13. A chocolate brown leather handbag - $920

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This movie is so problematic and Michael Douglas plays a total scumbag who thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. That said…Every woman needs a big pot she can boil supper in! Here are some chic items for the chef with an agenda.


 1. A pink, well-priced dutch oven - $145
2. An Ina Garten “How easy is that?” pin to wear after she makes a good stew! - $10
3. A little bunny clutch. Wow this is so dark. Please know that I love animals. - $639
4. Fatal Attraction socks because the kitchen floor is always cold - $9
5. A knockout dress to pair with the socks for that precise mix of sex, terror, and coziness - $528 
6. First edition of Mary Gaitskill’s classic short story collection Bad Behavior – prices vary
7. A Freudian candle - $48
8. A Girl, Interrupted long-sleeve tee because why not make it a 2-for-1 package on problematic depictions of mental health? - $50
9. Pill capsule salt and pepper shakers - $32.99

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Janet and Britney, this one’s for you. Sometimes men hoist themselves by their own petard and women don’t have to lift a goddamn finger. There is nothing more satisfying than watching a jackass, in head-to-toe Cabela’s for Armani Exchange, crash and burn in front of millions of people. Except it wasn’t even a crash. A crash is juicy and relevant. This was sinister and soulless and completely peripheral to anything resembling good taste or good culture. Oh and let’s not forget sacrilegious: WHO TOLD JT HE COULD SING WITH PRINCE? While wearing toxic masculinity camo no less! Anyways, the devil called. He wants his flame-red neckerchief back.  Here’s what to get the woman who knows men are fools who will inevitably punk themselves, so you might as well just get the popcorn and put your feet up.


1. Man is the ultimate embarrassment to all other species on Earth tee - $45
2. Mushroom hot cocoa to sip on in judgment while the men folk flail about - $20
3. LL Bean slippers to wear while she sips on said cocoa - $79
4. Britney’s Instagram Is Art dad hat - $30
5. Janet Jackson votive candle - $10
6. The best sheet mask to luxuriate with - $75 for 5
7. A Mickalene Thomas jigsaw puzzle to honor all the black art that Justin Timberlake has disrespected - $28

- The End -