Staunchly, vol. 47: Wallace Shawn is a Scorpio
(Originally posted: 3/2/18)
Hi friends&foes,
I know I know. I missed a week again. I had lots of friends visiting town and I got overwhelmed, ok? I promise I will be better.
A lot can happen in two weeks. Here are the three most important things.
1. Fergie broke the national anthem. But was it actually good? (No).
2. Stacey Dash announced she’s running for Congress. Look, when I said I wanted the sassy best friend from Clueless to represent the neighborhood of North Long Beach in Congress, I meant Wallace Shawn!!!
3. The trailer for the tenth season of the Real Housewives of New York dropped and IT. IS. EXPLOSIVE. This season has everything: new faces, debilitating alcoholism. A murder mystery! The haunting jewel tones of Dorinda’s Berkshire house decor…The US government’s deadly negligence in the wake of Hurricane Maria’s destruction…Luann assaulting a cop!
It is going to be a very interesting spring.
Hope Hicks deserves all the criticism she gets for the crimes she has helped commit against the country. But let’s leave the coded sexist language out of it, please. (I will however, continue to lust for her hair, which is almost as good as Sophie Stanbury’s).
I must say: nothing gives me greater joy than the thought of Hope Hicks spending her last collagen-producing years in prison.
It is time to impeach Clarence Thomas.
A new study shows that gun injuries decline by 20% during NRA conventions—when tens of thousands of ardent gun owners/jackasses are mingling amongst themselves instead of fooling around with their firearms. Proof that good or bad, a guy with a gun is more dangerous than a guy without.
It’s worth looking back at the way white politicians have dismissed the authenticity of African-American protests throughout the past two centuries to see that the smear of the “crisis actor,” now being levied at the student activists from Stoneman Douglas, is far from new. Conspiracy theories get a big boost from the Internet but they’ve always played a substantial role in America’s rich history of devaluing black voices.
Speaking of devaluing black voices (wow America is so broken that could literally be a segue to anything): as inspired as I am by the courage of the Parkland students speaking out for gun control, it’s important to note that the majority of them are (or present as) white. Protesters of color, such as those in the Black Lives Matter movement, have not enjoyed the luxury of such overwhelming public support or, even as victims of normalized brutality, the perception of innocence.
Janaya Khan put it succinctly, and tragically: “It saddens me to say that this moment serves to remind black youths that the world cares less about them than it does other children.”
Let's make it a priority to fix that.
The phrase “doing the Lord’s work” is overused, but if you believe that the divine breakdown of professional responsibilities includes providing water and other life-sustaining natural resources to the citizens of Earth, these women in Mexico are quite literally doing the Lord’s work.
The Trump administration’s repugnant efforts to prevent undocumented women from accessing abortions is endangering their lives and trampling their rights.
Two of my favorite things in the world are: a. Lisa Simpson, and b. Ted Cruz trolling himself. Combine them and you get a great little anecdote of self-pwn-ing by the junior senator from Texas.
Separate from the resistance movement, the sole joy of the Trump presidency can be found in that precise moment when he says something so heretical to the GOP orthodoxy that it sends a brief but agonizing shiver up the spines of his fellow Republicans. The recent gun control roundtable was an excellent example of this.
Black Panther was the first superhero movie I genuinely loved, thanks in large part to its powerhouse women and social justice commentary.
Here’s a fun reminder that working in tech (or really, anywhere) is not a walk in the park for women.
Adam Rippon’s interview on the hidden eating disorders in male figure skating community is very worth the read. I’m in awe of the ways he has used to platform to shed light on so many important issues.
Brendan Fraser is a tenderhearted hunk with kind eyes and Hollywood didn’t deserve him.
The Flamin’ Hot Cheetos movie looks like it’ll be the film Beautiful Mind *should* have been.
The news that the Spice Girls may perform at the Royal Wedding exploded my brain and reverted me back to my essential form as a Princess Diana Beanie Baby from 1997. Now please allow me to make some programming suggestions. For first dance: “Viva Forever.” (Maybe class it up with this chill PAVAROTTI version, which—I’m sorry—has everyone just been living their goddamn lives knowing that 4/5ths of the Spice Girls once sang with 1/3rd of the Three Tenors and not bothering to tell me??). Also don’t @ me, I know “Viva Forever” isn’t necessarily a romantic song, but this is the House of Windsor we’re talking about, where the slightest hint of carnality gets squashed faster than you can say “The Earl of Snowdon’s pansexual orgies.” That said, the sexy queasy bridal burlesque has basically become de rigueur in the YouTube age and I think Meghan should do hers to “The Lady is a Vamp” and make awkward eye contact with the Queen when she gets to the lyric about Jackie O.
The luxe & dusty villa from Call Me By Your Name is up for sale and I think it would be just really great for where I’m at in my life right now. Related: Luxe & Dusty is now my #1 choice for memoir title.
I’ve said it before I’ll say it again! There is nothing more erotic than a turtleneck!
Why wouldn’t Barbra Streisand clone her dog?
You must watch this clip of Donald Glover buying 113 boxes of Thin Mints from a Girl Scout who covered “Redbone” to sell cookies. (The good stuff starts around 7:25).
“Jennifer Lawrence understands Trump supporters, but not ‘Mother!’ critics,” is in the running for my favorite headline of all time (via my bf Melanie).
Apropos of nothing really, I think it’s vital that we as a culture revisit this video from 2015 of Michael B. Jordan being very sexy.
Staunchly yours,
Carey