Staunchly, vol. 119: The 2019 Holiday Grift Guide
12/20/19
I’m back :)
We have so much to talk about. Since the last Staunchly (in October, sweet lord), I’ve:
- Turned 30
- Been to Transylvania
- Bought silk pillowcases
- Walked through the Black Forest
- Sat in mythical healing thermal German spa water
- Bribed a cemetery guard to let me see Marx’s grave at closing time
- Ate Sacher torte at the Hotel Sacher
- Cried at multiple Frankfurt transportation hubs
- Convinced my therapist to start Fleabag
And more, if you can believe it. We have so much to talk about. But all that has to wait. Because it’s time. You’ve been so patient. It’s time for the fourth annual Staunchly Gift Guide!
(Feeling nostalgic? Browse the archives for additional inspo: 2016, 2017, 2018)
I know. Christmas is five days away. Hanukkah starts in two. I’ve justified this year’s tardiness by convincing myself the Staunchly Gift Guide is more than a holiday one-off—it’s a blueprint for shameless consumption and aesthetic inspiration for the whole year. (This is the point at which I imagine you scrolling down, seeing a chocolate lab in a $400 puffer jacket, and telling me to go fuck myself).
The theme of this year’s guide is scams—it demanded to be—specifically the particular themes and objects that sparked our obsessions with each grift. The details we couldn’t stop thinking about. The cheese sandwiches. The haunted makeup sponges. The puppy that wouldn’t cease defecating within the offices of a fraudulent start-up that was trying to convince us it could predict our future with a single drop of blood.
Presenting the 2019 Staunchly Holiday Gift Guide: What to Get Everyone on Your List Based on Their Favorite Piece of Iconic Scam Memorabilia.
Here are the categories:
Anna Delvey’s Courtroom Choker
The FEMA Sandwiches at the 2017 Fyre Festival
Caroline Calloway’s Missing Yale Plates
Balto, Elizabeth Holmes’ Siberian Husky Puppy That She Told Everyone was a Wolf
The Beautyblender in Olivia Jade’s YouTube Tutorials
Mark Sargent’s “FLAT EARTH ARMY” T-Shirt
Enjoy!
1. Red python platform heels that say, “A lot of the architecture in my home country is post-Stalinist utilitarian” ($990)
2. Crystal-fringed calf-hair mules with a tasteful heel that says, “But, actually, I am a landed German heiress” ($487)
3. A Miu Miu choker in good-girl-gingham for daytime courtroom appearances ($380), an embellished Gucci leather one for nighttime crimes ($790), and a Dolls Kill version with pink flames for everything in between ($15)
4. A cashmere travel wrap for the frequent traveler/fugitive ($198)
5. An easy colorful dress for her next grifted Marrakech vacation, from La DoubleJ ($925), Story Mfg ($523), or Ulla Johnson ($845)
6. A timeless Bottega wallet to hold all her fake IDs ($830)
7. And a Smythson passport cover for all her fake passports ($315)
8. A statement sweater that reads, I’m a Luxury (Few Can Afford), in a “Visa Gold”-inspired palette ($99)
9. A Gucci knitted visor to shield her face from hotel managers ($390)
10. An assortment of pervert-luxe Jiwania jewelry, including a beaded anarchy necklace ($262) and 69 drop earrings ($246)
11. A fabulous red lipstick ($25)
12. An I Love NY beaded handbag to rep her chosen home ($495)
13. A witchy pearl-embellished satin shirt with an old country vibe ($495)
14. A bespoke clutch personalized with her fake name to keep the scam alive ($1,195)
15. A color-blocked glass vase hand-blown in Morocco ($50)
16. A TSA-friendly Biologique Recherche trial kit ($53)
17. A copy of We Should All Be Mirandas, the hilarious and actionable how-to guide from the ladies behind the Instagram sensation @Everyoutfitonsatc—because no one needs Miranda lessons more than Anna Delvey ($13.95 at Powells)
18. Cashmere-lined gloves to guarantee no fingerprints left behind ($77.99)
19. A burgundy velvet crossbody bag, for nights on the town spent tricking men into wiring her their life savings ($1,393)
20. An I’m An Olsen Twin sweatshirt, for her next act ($40)
1. A Brass and Leather Wine Rack to ensure her home bar is at least well-stocked ($295)
2. A set of Greek herbs from Daphnis and Chloe ($10.30-$11 each)
3. A cool lazy susan in a vaguely tropical colorstory ($265)
4. A wavy-handled amber pitcher for imbibing under shelter ($215)
5. A chocolate walnut cake with candied violets from the storied Viennese pastry shop Demel (36 euros)
6. An eight-pack of Levain cookies ($49) (also, hot tip for LA residents: “the cookie” at Bristol Farms is an extremely good sub)
7. A chic apron for home-cooking ($80)
8. A Life is Fantastic tea towel by David Shrigley for irony ($45)
9. Date syrup, the essential ingredient in so many Ottolenghi dishes ($6.99), and the Essential Ottolenghi cookbooks boxed set ($30.99)
10. A porcelain box shaped like a baguette ($220)
11. A cake slice candle ($20)
12. A pancake pouch ($130)
13. A fruitful puzzle to pass the time at home or at Exuma International Airport ($28.80)
14. Fancy mermaid sea salt ($30)
15. A bouquet of salami ($50)
16. A canvas farmer’s market tote with six pockets to keep everything separate and fresh ($50)
17. A set of six scalloped-trim linen dinner napkins in—dare I say it—vaguely tropical colors (92 euros)
18. A jar of crispy chili sauce, raved about on The Strategist, to zhuzh up any dish, even the saddest cheese sandwiches ($14.68 for 3 jars)
19. A shirt that empowers her to own her love of rendered poultry fat ($48)
20. A gift box of cheeses, pickles, charcuteries, and various spreads from Blackberry Farm ($249)
21. A patch that says, THROW BREAD ON ME, which serves as both a smart and daring political statement and a cry for sustenance ($6)
22. A 30-pack of Underberg, herbal bitters from Germany to take as a digestive after overeating—may overnourishment be her body’s greatest and only disagreement in 2020 ($42)
1. A flower crown-making kit for children ($14.99)
2. A first collector’s edition of Matisse cut-outs from 1978 ($390, or way cheaper on Etsy for $27 but not as good quality)
3. A bubblegum pink tee with medieval illustration from Rowing Blazers that says, I studied art history but I’m fun ($67)
4. Some dinner plates for when she can’t find the Yale ones, by Richard Ginori ($100), La DoubleJ ($194 for two dessert plates), Stephanie Fishwick ($290 for four), Bernardaud ($180), Laboratorio Paravicini ($65), Moma ($48 for four), Aerin Lauder ($59.95 for four) and Luisa Beccaria ($270 for two).
5. A great big mug for coffee because she’s off Adderall ($46)
6. Gorgeous hand-painted porcelain pharmacy jars ($295-$495) for the drugs she is on
7. A Sporty and Rich tote to wear her values ($60)
8. An overly-precious book of French love poems ($11.95)
9. An overly-precious pearl headband to wear as she reads them ($240)
10. Cashmere socks for scrapbook night ($175)
11. A candle for scrapbook night ($48)
12. A MET campus sweatshirt for scrapbook night ($49)
13. A Louise Bourgeois eye mask because she, too, is an artist ($20)
14. An extremely cool octagonal mirror in blush concrete (to hold up to society) ($795)
15. Preppy, embroidered, blue-edge (Yale colors?) cocktail napkins with foxglove monogram ($29 per napkin)
16. Gucci tennis sneakers ($650)
17. A velvet emerald hair bow with pearls ($19.50)
18. A colorful bocce ball set made for the leisure class ($150)
19. A Luke Edward Hall x Richard Ginori vase for the luxe classicist living in an overgrown West Village apartment ($933)
20. A New York made Joan Didion cry too t-shirt ($35)
21. A print of the original Penguin tri-band cover for George Bernard Shaw’s, The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Socialism, Capitalism, Sovietism & Fascism (120 pounds)
1. An extra-soft mohair sweater in a serene winter palette (407,56 euros)
2. The coziest mohair throw to match ($298)
3. A personalized dog lover notepad with breed customization options ($26)
4. A quilted and insulated Moncler dog vest to keep little Marvin cozy, too! ($455 hahahaha)
5. A bath caddy and some Swiss alpine bath oil for a pleasing soak ($49)
6. A silk robe de chambre in a soothing lavender floral ($395)
7. A classic winter fur that no animals were slaughtered for ($415), to pair with an equally-faux fur headband ($98)
8. A wool scarf woven in a black and blue shepherd’s check ($240)
9. Dusty blue ribbed candlesticks for nights in, which is all nights (42 euros)
10. The perfect vintage worn-cotton tee printed with the phrase, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Reach My Beer ($44.99)—to wear with the softest sweatpants for maximum comfort ($79.50)
11. Mulberry silk pillowcase to protect her hair and skin while she sleeps ($85)
12. Cold weather skin essentials, like: a Noto Botanics serum bustling with marula, pink grapefruit, and rosehip seed oils; an incredible exfoliator to slough off the skin of winters past ($75); the best-ever moisturizer ($12.99); and a fantastic all-purpose balm with a smell I once described as, “warm baby fawn dipped in peppermint butter nuzzling your neck” ($54)
13. Merlot suede clogs that say, I’m a cool Eastside Husky owner. ($435)
14. An easy piece of jewelry to pair with a sweater, like this Gucci silver wolf pendant necklace ($430) or this one-of-a-kind organic-cut emerald pendant ($500)
15. A black turtleneck with a twist ($287)
16. Prada après-ski boots—why the fuck not ($1,200)—and an après-ski sweatshirt ($69.50)
17. The dreamiest Hinoki candle to make any apartment feel like a cabin in Alpes-de-Haute-Provence, a woodsy region teeming with wolves (108,33 euros)
18. A donation to A Purposeful Rescue, an organization in Los Angeles that works to bring neglected, senior, and otherwise overlooked dogs from high-kill shelters into loving homes
1. An updated (and prettier) version of the Tiffany heart necklace, like the one her aunt would get her for graduation—if only ($230)
2. A one-year book-a-month subscription from Persephone Books, a UK publisher that reprints works by under-appreciated 20th century women writers—a good starter library for the girl who needs it (132 euros + postage to the US)
3. A fab little D.Porthault ruffled boudoir pillow to elevate her dorm room ($550)
4. An adorable notebook with a scalloped spine and the best refillable pen in a fresh mint color for the rigorous note-taker ($26.99)
5. A pencil case that says, Mentally Somewhere Else, to silently communicate to professors she’d rather be vlogging ($9)
6. A luxe stoner gift set of rolling papers, matches, and a joint holder for the college stoner with aesthetic expectations ($95)
7. Black towels with a heart pattern, perfect for taking off makeup ($6-37)
8. A heart vanity mirror—idk why but I imagine this girl loves hearts on things (I do!) ($20)
9. A water-bottle with an amethyst crystal point in it, for the VSCO girl in training ($84)
10. A signet ring without the pesky diploma ($3,420)
11. A cute backpack to get her to-and-from classes—if she doesn’t actually carry any books ($195)
12. A micro crossbody to store her lipgloss ($118)
13. An updated friendship bracelet with a pearl star charm ($150)
14. Lucite Jenga for when she wants to procrastinate homework and she already posted a video for the day ($91)
15. A set of three Marc Jacobs lip crayons ($25)
16. A ruffle-y playsuit for when she has no intention of going to class ($384)
17. A set of essential sunscreens for the socal girl ($47.50)
18. A luxe eye and cheek palette to keep her Youtube-ready ($155)
19. A Gucci Westman gift box featuring two highlighters and my favorite blush ($175)
20. A grab bag of the best: the best primer ($192), the best mascara ($28), the best luminizer ($44), the best concealer ($30), the best bronzer ($50)
21. A wild eyeshadow kit to get funky with ($125)
22. A vintage Caboodles case to keep it all together ($49.50) and a custom pouch for on-the-go essentials (starting at $84)
23. A stunning hand-blown arabesque vase by Serena Confalonieri—overpriced and makes you wonder what she’s even going to do with it, like a college education ($660)
24. A FETCH shirt to keep her values in check ($33)
25. A Beautyblender gift set that is just so extra, no one needs this many makeup sponges—nobody except, Olivia Jade ($65)
***Guest editor alert!***
The Staunchly Gift Guide is precious to me, so trust that I would only hand over a section to someone I was confident had objectively impeccable taste. Presenting the final section of the 2019 gift guide, written, curated, and willed into being by the brilliant, warped mind of Lauren Flanagan.
1. A silver Supreme x North Face hat, because she's got style and tinfoil just won't do ($61)
2. A boucle zodiac crew so she can rep her star sign without disputing the adjusted astronomical parallax ($495)
3. A set of sturdy sunglasses that will allow her to participate in eclipse viewings for years to come ($29.99)
4. A scented candle showcasing the sun rising through the horizontal atmolayer ($230)
5. A YouTube Premium subscription so she can marathon the contents of Mark Sargent’s entire channel (3-month free trial)
6. A coffee table book to show house guests what she's really about ($1,900)
7. This starry chiffon look is sure to make her stand out at the 2020 Flat Earth Video Awards ($725)
8. Earrings that will serve as a constant reminder to #questioneverything ($225)
9. A NASA Lies ugly Christmas sweater she can wear to spark debate at the office holiday party ($24.95)
10. A decanter that pays homage to past flat earthers who have launched themselves into the sky in DIY rockets ($168)
11. A set of antique celestial highball glasses to pair with said decanter ($98)
12. For the flat earther staying up late working on experiments, these shooting star under-eye gels are a must ($40)
13. A clutch so chic she'll have no choice but to ignore that it purports globe theory ($9,900)
14. A Kyrie Irving jersey, for when she wants to represent a famous Flat Earther (she obviously wouldn't be caught dead supporting Tila Tequila) ($52.49)
15. Whether she’s a Brie or a Blue, she’ll feel right at home underneath this dome ($59.99)
16. The plushest puffer to keep her warm en route to the ice wall at the edges of the earth — we recommend a bright color so she's visible in a whiteout ($298)
17. To pair with her puffer, consider a layer of galactic cashmere ($2,075)
18. Speaking of her voyage to government-controlled Antarctica, she'll be sure to love this canvas backpack that's roomy enough to hold all her maps (be sure to monogram with FE) ($325, plus $20 for monogramming)
19. This 18th-century flat earth projection will look stunning framed on the wall of her at-home research lab ($17,500)
20. Keep her charted on her cosmic course with a signet ring fit for an astronomer ($2,685)
21. Custom rhinestone barrettes with those three magic words: RESEARCH FLAT EARTH ($14.31 each)